“I am a more sensitive person, a more effective pastor, a more sympathetic counselor because of Aaron’s life and death than I would ever have been without it. And I would give up all of those gains in a second if I could have my son back. If I could choose, I would forgo all the spiritual growth and depth… But I cannot choose.”
Rabbi Harold Kushner’s son died just days after his fourteenth birthday, but he had been dying slowly of progeria (aka “rapid aging” disease) his entire life. As he states above, Kushner became better personally and professionally as a result of Aaron’s life and death, but he would give up all that “spiritual growth and depth” in a heartbeat if he could have his son back.
I have written often about “dark gifts,” those unexpected blessings that can be the result of difficult and often tragic events. I believe it is possible to experience the likes of wisdom and compassion in the aftermath of heartbreak if we are willing to stay with the pain with an open mind and heart. But we humans are feeling folks who, like Kushner, value the contact and connection of person-to-person relationships in the flesh. To want the physical presence of a loved one before any benefit from their passing is both human and healthy. It is not a sign of spiritual maturity to lessen the pain of loss by claiming spiritual gain or by positing that the person who has died is in a “better place;” this would be a form of spiritualism that minimizes the importance of our bodily existence. To be blunt, losing a loved one just plain sucks!
There are, of course, situations when a person’s death due to age and/or illness may be welcomed, but to lose a loved one when they are in full flower is truly tragic, and no amount of “spiritual growth and depth” can ease the pain of their passing.
We may not be able to choose having our deceased loved ones return to us, but we can choose to embrace life as a way of honoring them.
Attuned to Soul 